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	How to Support Someone Who is Grieving During this Holiday Season Oh glad tidings of comfort and joy... where does someone who is grieving find comfort and joy? What type of holiday message should you send to a friend or co-worker who is grieving? These seem like delicate issues that may be easier to ignore than figure out the appropriate way to support a friend or relative who is grieving. In an informal Acknowledgements survey 95% of people surveyed did not know what to say or do to support a grieving friend. During the holiday season the bereaved need extra support. Not only are they trying to cope with intense feelings of grief, but they are also trying to deal with the stress and pressure of the holidays. At Acknowledgements we understand it is difficult to know what to say or do to show your support. To assist you and those you care about who are grieving here is a simple list of 10 ways to support someone who is grieving during the holidays: Write a note in your holiday card recognizing the holidays will be difficult without their loved one this year. Just this simple acknowledgement provides support. Others may be telling the griever to get on with her life, or suggesting that since it’s the holidays, she can’t be depressed. Recognizing the loss is validating and validation provides support. Support the choices the griever is making in regard to changing holiday tradition. Many people find it too painful to participate in certain parts of the holiday ritual. Making changes in how they will celebrate allows them to honor the holiday and celebrate it in a way that does not feel like salt is being rubbed in their wound. Send a gift in honor of the loved one the family is grieving. A remembrance journal, memorial garden kit or memorial locket are a few thoughtful suggestions. See our gift line for other thoughtful suggestions. A gift in honor of the deceased provides family and friends with a comfortable setting to reminisce and honor the memories of their loved one. Share your holiday memories of their loved one. Sharing an ”I remember story” honors the loss the bereaved person is experiencing. So many people avoid talking about the deceased all together fearing they will distress the bereaved. Most bereaved people are thinking about their loved one daily, they will appreciate the opportunity to talk about their loved one and share treasured memories. Memories shared honor the deceased. Be available to listen. So many grieving people need the opportunity to talk and not just talk, but to be heard. If you are a good listener you have an excellent gift to share with a grieving person. Listen and offer validating statements such as: "I’m so sorry", "This is hard", and "I will be your friend and listen and support you as you go through this grieving process". Remember that grief has stages: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. Your friend may seem to be coping fine one minute and the next time you see or talk to her she seems to be struggling. The stages of grief are experienced in nice neat graduated stages where a grieving person completes one stage and moves onto another. These stages are fluid and grievers move from one stage to the next and back again over a period of 1 to 5 years for active grief. During the holidays the stages may look like this. A recent widow is out shopping and sees a gift her spouse would have enjoyed her heart swells at the thought of finding a wonderful gift for her beloved (denial- the brain has not totally registered that her spouse is dead) She then remembers her spouse is dead and becomes very sad and leaves the store. She becomes angry at the commercialization of the holiday season and how she cannot go anywhere without being reminded that her beloved is no longer here with her. She goes home and has a really good cry after which she feels so much better and begins to see that maybe she will make it through another day. She turns on the radio and hears a Christmas carol her spouse loved, she starts to tell him it is on and then remembers he is not here and on it goes throughout her day and month and year. Remember – “Grieving is the process of learning to live your life without someone you care about it is a life long journey!" Provide gifts of healthy food. For many grieving people having the energy to shop and cook is difficult on an ordinary day however, add the impact of the holidays without a loved one and this task often goes farther down the list. A healthy soup mix goes a long way toward feeding the body and the soul. If there are children in the family and you are a kid person offer to take the kids for a while. Take them out to do some holiday shopping, go see a movie, go roller-skating, play basketball. Some one on one time with an adult who is not actively grieving can be a breath of fresh air to a child or teen that is also grieving. Kids grieve differently than adults and they need that break from the intensity of feelings. It’s often hard for immediate family to provide that break because their own grief is so intense. Providing this respite opportunity for the parent or parents benefits them and the child too and we hope you will have fun in the process. Offer to go with the bereaved to holiday functions you both attend or that you know she goes to and may feel uneasy about attending. Having someone available to talk to or make faces at across the room can make many holiday gatherings easier. Remember to be available to leave early if the grieving person finds she just can’t take any more and needs to leave. Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased or contact the grieving individual. A phone call, card or a chance meeting paired with the words, "I have been thinking about you" will mean so much. So many grieving people grieve not only the death of their loved one, but the loss of friendships because people don’t know what to say or are afraid of the awkwardness of those first visits. Be a good friend, stretch your own comfort zone and reach out to a grieving friend. The bereaved certainly need your support and you will benefit too. There is nothing like that feeing of joy in your heart for having provided support to someone who truly needs it. Thank you for supporting those who grieve. Website Reviews The internet provides a wealth of information in the area of grief. Websites offer a variety of services. This website review column provides you with information about a site that we have researched and feel is relevant and helpful to a grieving person. Two sites will be reviewed quarterly: those that offer resources for people grieving the death of a friend or relative and also sites honoring the death of an animal companion. www.aplb.org The APLB was founded by Dr. Wallace Sife after experiencing the death of his animal companion. It has evolved into a non-profit association providing a website, training and conferences. Becoming a member only costs $25.00 (which is tax deductible) and allows access to newsletters, an “In Memoriam” section to honor your pet and the “Send a Card” feature. Your membership supports the APLB in its mission to provide bereavement support to grieving pet owners. You can access many of their website help and support features without being a member. The APLB helps bereaving pet owners find appropriate counseling, personal support, and reading material. There is also chat rooms that are quite popular with rotating visiting experts who are prominent counselors and authors of pet bereavement books. Also offered is individual E-mail assistance, seminars and training sessions, a highly acclaimed quarterly newsletter, a constantly updated listing of useful books on this subject, and occasional national conferences. Dr. Sife and other experts in the area of pet bereavement have written articles on issues of importance to grieving pet owners. I read the article on euthanasia, which validates the heartbreak of this difficult decision and also educates the reader about the euthanasia process and the options available. A list of hotlines by state is provided with phone numbers, as well as a list of available support groups and attorneys who handle animal rights cases. We find the APLB website to be helpful, supportive, easy to navigate. www.memories-are-forever.org Memories-are-forever.org is a website dedicated to helping people collect and preserve memories of loved ones who have died. Created to give visitors a place to share ideas and learn how to collect memories, there are ideas and resources given on journaling, creating an online memorial, recording stories, and collecting memorabilia. The Comforting Friends section gives a variety of ideas on how to help a grieving loved one. Included are links to helpful articles, gift websites and books that suggest ways to show your support. Another part of the website lists grief and healing books, memory journals and activity books for all ages with a short review of each. Additionally the website contains a forum that allows visitors to share ideas and pay tribute to a loved one that has died. Janell, creator of the website and personal history enthusiast, points out that going down memory lane is not for everyone; however, this is one way to feel closer to the person who is gone. We agree remembering is part of the healing process and a healthy way to keep memories of your loved one alive. Not only will this bring comfort and healing to you, but also to all that loved the person who is being memorialized. Box of Comfort™ Product Review The Box of Comfort™ was Acknowledgements’ first product, created out of the desire to give a sympathy gift that conveyed heartfelt sympathy and provide concrete tools to assist friends during their grieving process. With great attention to every detail, selected items needed to elicit feelings of comfort. We had many lunches together trying various gourmet soup packages that would pass our “taste test”. The brand we picked, Fabulous Fixin’s, is delicious and easy to fix. We decided on chicken noodle because it is a classic comfort food. We often have customers tells us the gift recipient used the soup mix for one of their first dinners after all the company had gone home. What a great time to have a delicious pot of comforting chicken noodle soup! We feel wonderful when we hear this because it tells us the Box of Comfort™ sympathy gift is truly serving its comforting purpose. Staying in the comfort food theme we wanted a warm dessert. After our first taste of the hot fudge sundae cake, our search was over! This cake is truly scrumptious! Add to that, comforting chamomile tea with honey and a comforting moment is created. We receive many comments on how delicious the cake is and many people save it for a special occasion. The Mourning Handbook provides ongoing support throughout the grieving process. It is a comprehensive book, which serves as a source of guidance and comfort. Deciding on The Mourning Handbook was another process of selection with great attention to every detail. The book had to speak to people grieving various types of losses. It had to be easy to read and appeal to people of various faiths and ages. An important test is to randomly open the book to any page and find helpful information. The Mourning Handbook fit all of our criteria. We have received letters, phone calls and e-mails letting us know gift recipients have truly benefited from reading this book. We know we have accomplished our goal – providing a sympathy gift that brings comfort and concrete tools for healing.


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